'Home for the holidays' means adjustments for military family

Elysse Fleece had her Christmas traditions down.

Get the live tree on Black Friday, then decorate the heck out of it.

Hang the Christmas lights.

Play Christmas music nonstop.

Watch holiday movies with son Donnivan.

In Christmas of ?09 and ?10, the routine went as smoothly as a freshly Zambonied ice rink. This year, however, Elysse Fleece discovered a rough spot: her husband, John.

For the first time since 2008, Sgt. 1st Class John Fleece is home for the holidays, and, while they?re happy to be together, they admit it?s been an adjustment. She loves the constant backdrop of Christmas music. He?d doesn?t. She?s gotten used to picking out the tree and hanging the lights, so it was just second nature for her to leave him out of he picture.

?I?d start to pick up my duties; she wanted to push me out of the way,? said John, 32, who returned to the Pikes Peak area in May after spending most of the last two years in Iraq.

It?s a scenario that is likely taking place in military homes throughout the county as U.S. involvement in Iraq comes to an end and the presence in Afghanistan dwindles. According to the Air Force Times, the military divorce rate reached a new high in 2011, with 3.7 percent of marriages breaking up.

It?s understandable, said the Fleeces, who will be married seven years in May. When one spouse is deployed, the other still has to go on with life. Routines are established, traditions created. And in spite of all the technological advances like Skype and Facebook that have made it easier for military couples to stay in touch, it?s not the same as living under the same roof and being in tune with each other?s rhythms.

?It was hard to let him in,? Elysse said Sunday as she and John sat at their Widefield-area home, watching Donnivan and his cousins from Oregon bounce around with the excitement generated by new toys, clothing and a houseful of relatives. ?For me it was, ?this is how we do it.? ?

She was so accustomed to handing the lights, even though she doesn?t like heights, that she almost forgot to include John.

?I hung the lights for the last two years,? she said. ?It was just natural for me to do it. This year, I said, ?oh wait; I have a guy who will climb on the roof to do it.?

Elysse, 26, said the military does a good job cautioning families about the more dramatic problems, like PTSD, but not on the mundane issues that can turn into minefields.

?They don?t tell you how you?re going to get annoyed because he put the coffee cup in the wrong place,? she said. ?It?s the little things you?re going to have issues with. They really don?t stress that you have to adjust to everything.?

The good news for John and Elysse is that they both are open about the stresses of living together again and they?re willing to talk about the challenges.

?There was a lot of tension, and the only way to get through anything is communication,? John said. ?I?m actually a confronter.?

And so, they?re becoming masters in the art of compromise. The Christmas music has been toned down. She?s trying to fit his work schedule into hers.

?There?s a lot of give and take,? Elysse said.

The adjustments have been well worth the effort, the couple said. For the first time since 2008, John was together with his extended family as well as his wife and son. He didn?t have to put up with a choppy Internet connection to see his son decorate the tree or open presents.

?Now I?m seeing it in real life, and I like it,? John said. ?Being able to take part in it ? that?s the best gift.?

Source: http://www.gazette.com/articles/christmas-130750-donnivan-nonstop.html

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